Permanent Solutions to Sexual Harassment

In grade 1, there were specific days of the week you had to remember: Marriage Mondays, Wedding Wednesdays, and Flip-up Fridays. Mondays and Wednesdays were almost identical (obviously). You had to be careful who you were standing close to on the playground in recess, because if you stood too closely you would be married. But on Fridays you had to remember NOT to wear a dress or a skirt, because if you did it would be flipped up to have your underpants exposed to all the boys who had been chasing you. I remember one Friday a friend of mine wore a dress to school. She had forgotten and was so nervous to go out to recess. But she did. And she was embarrassed when she was caught by some boy who flipped her dress up and laughed at her princess panties. I found this unacceptable, and channeled my six year old outrage into a plan. The following Friday, I wore a denim dress to school. With leggings underneath (I know - stylishly ahead of my time). I confidently marched out to recess, knowing that my dress would be flipped up. Which it was. When the boy (I think it was Adam, but I don't remember all my first grade classmates) claimed he'd seen my underpants, I laughed at him dismissively. "Through my leggings?! I don't think so." I then reported to my teacher, and vice principal the common practice of Flip up Friday and how inappropriate it was that girls had to live in fear of exposure on Fridays if they forgot and wore a dress. They did away with Flip-up Fridays, gave the whole class a good talking to about why it was inappropriate, and I got a gold pencil with the school name on it.

My freshman year of high school, I remember sitting in the courtyard, reading a book or talking to a friend, or something. One of my girlfriends immediately told me to stand up and walk away, which I did. It turns out that some guy (I don't remember who - honestly), had been reflecting the light off of a CD or something onto my chest. I felt so angry, embarrassed, and objectified. These emotions physically propelled me towards this person and I grabbed the neck of his shirt as he tried to run away. I had no plan, or clue as to what I would do once I got in his face. Knowing me, it probably would have been a threat or a "stern talking to" - highly effective from a 13 year old girl to a peer. But I was stopped in my efforts to get a hold of him and get in his face by a friend of mine. A guy, who - to this day - I don't know if he knew what had been going on. In either case, he was concerned about me stretching out the shirt of the offending party. My outrage transferred, the guy ran off, and I let it go. Told no one. So much so that I honestly don't remember who did it. 

While I was living in Paris on a study abroad, I lived in a student center in the 12th arrondissement - definitely a sketchy part of town. I was often by myself and went on tours of the city alone. One day, I was coming back to the center from a walking tour of Montmartre and I decided to use the bathroom in the lobby. It was a co-gender bathroom, but no one was in it, so I went in. While I was in there, I heard someone come in, and get into the stall right next to me, but I was just coming out. As I did, I saw some dude whip his head back over the stall wall, as he'd been trying to catch me going to the bathroom. There I was, alone in a bathroom with a clearly perverted man, and I laughed at him. A shaming laugh. Probably the stupidest thing I could have done, but it was knee-jerk, and for some reason I didn't feel at all threatened. I then yelled at him while he hid in the stall "I see you! And I'm reporting you." And then I yelled, rather stupidly, in French "Whether you speak French or English!" and stormed out. I tried to explain to the woman at the front desk what had happened, but I was so mad I couldn't get my French straight and I kept saying a man had looked at me through the wall. She was confused and thought I was crazy, I was flushed and angry that she couldn't understand me. Finally she said she'd get someone to look into it. I didn't wait by the bathroom for the guy to come out or anything. I just left, irritated, and then forgot about it. 

My experiences with sexual harassment are incredibly mild. I know that, at least in these first two instances, the offenders weren't malicious, evil people seeking to hurt me. They were just young boys making dumb choices. I'm not saying that to excuse them or the behaviour, I'm just being realistic. They needed to be taught what was wrong with those dumb choices, and I'm sad that I was able to only find one permanent solution in my life, and that it was when I was six years old.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine shared how she had gotten some catcalls and the like from some young boys while out on a run. She thought she'd initially let it go, but decided someone needed to tell them it wasn't appropriate, especially in light of the "Provo Groper" and all the sexual assaults on women at BYU campus in the last little while. So she knocked on the door of the house where the boys had been in the backyard, and one of their fathers answered. She explained what had happened, and how she thought their behaviour had been inappropriate. I can only imagine the talking-to those boys received, and that they'll think long and hard before doing something like that again. As she said, "In the end, I realize that those boys are young and they were probably egging each other on (and, really, we've all done stupid things with our friends), but I think that you can never been too old or too young to learn that it is not okay to demean or catcall or make sexist remarks to anyone." That was a permanent solution.

I worry about the world my daughter's growing up in, and want to be sure to teach her how to be brave in standing up to those that would objectify or belittle her, but not be dismissive of danger. I think of future sons, and how I can teach them to respect the girls around them. Because the only way we can find a permanent solutions to sexual harassment is to educate our children about it. Teach them the difference between compliment and harassment. The most influential voice in this discussion is the one of a parent. I think that's why I always had the gumption to stand up for what I thought was right. My mum taught me self-love and confidence, and my dad showed me in the way he loved her how I should expect to be treated.